WARNING. This is gonna be one of the rantyiest Top Model rants of all time. You know that feeling you get when you see a pregnant teenager smoking a cigarette and downing a bottle of wine? That’s how I feel about Tyrant and this episode right now. She so needs to retire. Or is it RETYRA? OMG. I just made up a new word and I’m gonna shove it down your throats. Just like Tyrant. Barf. You have been warned.

Previously on America’s Next Top Petite Never Gonna Be A Model, a bunch of midgets screamed, moved into the Oompa Loompa house, got mediocre makeovers and received stereotypical reality TV whore labels. The Bitch. The Weirdo. The girl who got cut first and no one’s ever gonna remember your name. Lisa? Whatever. Only 13 little people remain. Who will be America’s Next Top blah blah blah?

We start the night’s shitfest in the limo on the way back from panel. Bianca is bitching about how much of a bitch she is and Rachel tells us about her days as a Wal-Mart clerk. It’s all very deep.

The next morning the girls are all off to Wilhelmina Models to meet with the super sexy Nigel Barker and Sean Patterson. He’s the president of WM and he’s going to interview all the girls. As if he’s not going to make a list of all of the girls he doesn’t want and Tyrant is gonna have to cut them all regardless of what happens. I call bullshit on this season. He probably told her who he wants to win.

During the interviews, we learned that Rachel thinks she can sing but couldn’t remember a song to sing. We also discovered that Jennifer can’t move one her eyes. She’s got one hell of a lazy eye and it is NOT pretty. And of course, Lulu carried on the ANTM tradition of not being able to name any famous photographers. Don’t these bitches watch this show!?!

After Sean has had his way with the midgets, the ominous music kicks in and you know something’s brewing. He says, “one of you doesn’t have what it takes to be a Wilhelmina model”. Ouch. Nigel then sends RACHEL home. WHAT. THE. EFF. Rachel? Harsh. She’s got such an interesting look. She actually looks unique. Sean said she didn’t show enough personality. I call bullshit again. Apparently, to be a petite model at Wilhelmina, cookie cutter beauty is the only way to go. Grrrr. This show drives me nuts. Why do I love it so much? Masochist!

It gets worse.

The next morning, the girls meet some stupid actor pretending to be a harsh photographer. They’re saved when Tyrant shows up as SUPER smize. I shit you not. Tyrant is wearing some super hero outfit calling herself Super Fucking smize. I had to rewind it three times to figure out what the hell she was saying.

After years of telling models to “smile with their eyes”, Tyrant finally took it too far. She created another lame ass STFU catchphrase that is NEVER going to happen. smize! Really? Why not SMILIES? How about IMACRAZYBIZNATCH? She is mental. I know she managed to get us all to say “fierce” like it was a religion, but that’s done. Stick with what you’re good at Tyrant… real words in the real world. She is so good at making good TV suck so bad.

The girls then face off against each other in a… I don’t even want to write it… smizeing competition. Barf. The best part was all the camel toe action in the heinous pink lycra jumpsuits they had to wear. Vajayjay! The 6 girls that won had a nice sit down dinner with Wilhelmina’s Sean Patterson. The other 6 had to wash dishes at the restaurant. Suckers.

Finally, after all the nonsense about smizeing… gag… the girls meet Mr. J and Firooz Zahedi for their photo shoot. This week, they’re taking the whole short thing to a new height. The girls will be posing with jockeys and horses. More little people! And they’re doing it topless! Sadly, there wasn’t any nude freak out this year. Too bad Jesus Girl wasn’t still around. I miss her.

Rae
J really liked what he saw and I love the way she’s giving it to the jockey! She is all over him. Nice legs too. I say she’s two for two.

Jennifer
She totally struggled with the whole lazy eye thing. J said she looked drunk. I like her body in this photo, but her face is not right.

Brittany
Damn. That’s hot. J said she brought Italian Vogue to the shoot and I have to agree. Fierce.

Nicole
She looked a little freaked out by the whole shoot, but she managed to deliver a good shot. She’s definitely not smiling with her eyes though. Too sad.

Ashley
NIGHTMARE. This is a terrible photo… one of the worst I have ever seen on Top Model. They had to crop out the horse handler who was in the shot. Why? Because this is the test shot where she WASN’T modeling! All her actual shots were too bad to put in.

Erin
Gotta love the edgy look. I’m not sure I’m in love with the makeup, but it is a hot picture.

Laura
Our country girl loved the horse and loved getting all naked. She’s giving some good broken down baby doll which I always appreciate.

Lulu
It’s a good shot. It’s not earth shattering, but it’ll do for now.

Courtney
She struggled to find the right look. J wanted her to be soft, but her styling was not soft at all. Overall, I don’t think it was the worst.

Bianca
UGH. She looks like Lil’ Kim on a bad day. Heinous.

Kara
Pretty and plain. That’s two strikes for her in my book. She’s just not memorable.

Sundai
She looks so short up against that horse… even shorter than usual. Not a standout.

At panel, Lauren Conrad joined the group to contribute her wisdom. Can I just say that I HATE The Hills. What is she doing here? Lame. Tyrant managed to say “smize” about 60 times. She even got Miss J saying it. Enough! Never again! Go away!

Ultimately, Erin was called first with Brittany a close second. I thought Brittany’s was better, but clearly Tyrant and I are NOT getting along today. Evidence of that was her decision to keep Ashley out of the bottom two. How the hell did that happen?! Outrage! She gave absolutely nothing. But remember, Ashley was discovered at Tyrant’s talk show so obviously she gets a second chance. So annoying.

The bottom two were Bianca (yay!) and Courtney (boo!) with Bianca staying! More rage. What the hell was Tyrant smoking this week? First Rachel and now Courtney? What does she have against girls who actually look like models and take good photos? Why keep the girls with heinous photos this week. Argh. So angry. I just can’t write any more.

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