Here we go boys and girls. Cycle 13 is here! Mini models have invaded and Tyrant is gonna change the world with a little help from Jesus Christ… or at least a girl named Amber who is full of Christ’s love. Where do they find these people? Read all about it in Homorazzi’s first recap of this epically petite Cycle.

If you’ve read some of my rants building up to this glorious day, you know I’ve given Tyra Banks a rough ride for her decision to cast only girls under 5’7”. She must’ve heard me because she spent the first five minutes of the show giving us a passionate voiceover defending the move. In her own words, Tyrant is out to “change the standards of the modeling industry”. Give it up gurl. The fashion industry left you behind years ago. Snap.

Too mean? Never. Not when she pulls lame ass shit like naming it Le Cycle 13. They’re PETITE… get it? Ugh. If that wasn’t enough, we spent the next five minutes listening to Tyrant do the introductions in a heinous French accent that was more crazy-voodoo True Blood witch lady than Paris runway model.

After all the Tyrant time, we got to meet the 32 semi-finalists. I missed most of them because I was busy picking my jaw off the floor after listening to Amber discuss her love for Jesus. Did Mandy Moore and Macaulay Culkin just walk in ‘cause I’ve been SAVED! Seriously, did that girl just say, “I’m for Jesus Christ… yeah he wants me to help the world and I will do whatever he wants me to do”. Actually, Jesus would like you to shut up and take your very special brand of crazy back to the person who filled your head with all that shit so you can slap them. Modeling is not on Jesus’ list of things you need to do sweetie. Just sayin’.

As the intros continued and the girls paraded into that little room to scream at the Js, we got the usual laundry list of sob stories and family dramz. Lulu dropped this Cycle’s gay bomb. Every decent cycle needs a lesbian! She’s only 18 and she’s already got her girlfriend’s name tattooed on her pretty little self. Oh dear. That’s gonna hurt when she needs that removed.

CHECK OUT THE ANTM CYCLE 13 GALLERY. CLICK ON THE PICTURE ABOVE

We also met, Rae who is this season’s hot mama. She is gorgeous so I will forgive her leaving a baby at home so she can play with Tyrant for a few months. A girl named Courtney also rocked the runway with her crutches. Then there was Raven, the girl who never felt she was pretty enough to be a model. Guess what? She’s not! Her ass got cut in the first round!

After all was said and done, Tyrant named her final 14. Jesus Christ was all over this one because Amber somehow made the cut. Maybe Jesus does care. Clearly he and I need to have a little convo. Congrats Jennifer, Erin, Rachel, Kara, Lulu, Rae, Ashley, Brittany, Bianca, Courtney, Nicole, Laura, Sundai, and Jesus! You’re all in the running for the never gonna get a contract Top Model! Yay.

We pause now for a commercial break before hour two. How hot is that football player on Glee with the shaved head mohawk thing! More of him please.

Back to ANTM! The real episode begins with the girls giving each other fake frenemy hugs before getting scooped up by the Js in a stretch limo. But wait! There are only 13 girls! WTF? Where is Amber? Apparently Jesus had other plans and she dropped out. I wonder what THAT conversation was like. “But Jesus, I don’t want to be celibate nun”. “That’s the calling my child”. “But I thought you wanted me to be a top model so I could spread our brand of crazy to all the little girls who get sucked in by CoverGirl’s corporate whoring”. “Shit. I forgot about that. Oh well. Too late. Tyrant replaced you.” “Sob”.

Some random named Lisa enters as Amber’s replacement just in time for MAKEOVERS! Awesome. I love makeovers… except when the Js are told they have to call them “TyOvers”. Ugh Ugh Ugh. “TyOver” is never going to happen. Stop trying to make TyOver happen. It is not fetch. Boo, you whore.

Overall, most of the makeovers lacked Tyrant’s signature creativity. There seemed to be a lot of repeats and it’s all been done before looks.

Brittany went from basic blonde to beautiful brown. I loved it.

Erin traded in her mousey locks for some ice blonde 90s porn hair.

Nicole went from a glorious ginger to a glorious ginger with gigantic ginger curls.

Rachel with the crazy Lluvy/Allison look got the same sexy brown as Brittany.

Jennifer went from fierce Asian to pretty much the same fierce Asian.

Rae went from blonde to blonder with some more 90s porn hair.

Lisa pretty much stayed the same.

Sundai traded one heinous weave for a shorter not as heinous weave.

Courtney went from cute crop to quirky lesbian chic.

Lulu went from quirky lesbian chic to big bangs and a big weave.

Bianca kept her bald self bald but got her eyebrows bleached. Huh?

Laura got some streaks for her mousy blonde look.

Kara got some highlights and some more volume.

Ashley got the long all the way down her back weave.

After the makeovers, the girls finally get to the house so they can scream some more. We also get to find out which girls fill which ANTM stereotypes. Bianca is the bitch, Laura is the country bumpkin and Nicole is the weird antisocial psychopath.

For their first photo shoot, the girls met Mr. J and photographer Baldomoro Fernandez to recreate actual photographs from their own childhood. Cool!

Erin
I loved the lace. It was such a hot look, but she played it like she was wearing a power suit in the office. This could have been so much better, but I’m not hating it.

Lulu
It’s very cute. She looks long and lean. I think she might have potential.

Rachel
I liked this one more than the judges. They weren’t in love with it, but I think it shows she can get editorial and still be pretty.

Rae
O.M.G. Plastic ballet shoes with 8 inch heals! Are you kidding! Awesome photo. She killed it. Go mama!

Jennifer
I love that she wasn’t afraid to spice it up and get down in the sand. She looks beautiful too.

Bianca
She gave bitch the whole shoot. She hated her hair, her makeup, her outfit. Yawn. I’m so over her. The shot is ok, but she’s in my bad books.

Courtney
Pretty. That’s about it.

Lisa
Angry clown much? Not a good photo.

Ashely
Tyra’s hairdresser Oscar spotted her at a taping for the Tyra Banks Show and I’m glad he did. She’s hot. Great pose.

Sundai
Flat flat flat and I’m not talking tatas. She is not rocking this photo. Nigel (yum) said she looked drunk.

Nicole
She rocked it with her body, but she is just so vacant. Props for making shit-catchers look hot though.

Kara
I love this photo, but it’s a profile shot for a reason. She was not looking pretty straight on.

Laura
I love her lips and my boyfriend Riley loves her so I better not trash talk this southern belle. She looks like a pro in the making.

Brittany
Mr. J was concerned about her porno poses, but she gave good face

At panel, Nigel, Tyrant and Miss J were joined by Chanel Iman, an actual model. Fancy that. Rae was called first and I totally agree. She nailed it this week and deserves the first photo! Lisa and Bianca ended up in the bottom two. I’d be happy with either of them going home. So who is still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Petite Mini Model and fulfilling Tyrant’s quest to change the industry? Bianca. Obviously.

What would ANTM be without the bitchy girl for a few more eps.

Discuss.

Related Stories:
• ANTM Cycle 13: Meet The Mini-Models
• America’s Next Top Model Winners: Who’s On Top?
• Mr. Jay. Hot or Not?