ANTM Cycle 15 Episode 9: “Damn It Smells Like Ass Up In Here”

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Ann began her inevitable crash and burn as the the wannabes took on a commercial for some water no one’s ever heard of. They roller skated in cute little summer outfits and tried to deliver some lines. Several of the girls experienced a serious case of Tragicitis. Ann was heinous and ended up in the bottom two for the first time. Esther was awkward and flat. Liz didn’t seem to five a shit. Kayla was too afraid of her male model to do anything. The only two who really delivered were Jane and Chris. Esther and her giant boobs got the boot. Can Ann bounce back after two disappointing weeks? Will Kayla overcome her fear of men? Will Tyrant try some ridiculous Italian accent? Who will get eliminated tonight?

Before we get to ANTM, let me talk to you about VFW. That’s Vancouver Fashion Week. I just got home from a couple runway shows… Jacqueline Conoir and some men’s wear line that is not worth mentioning. It had the feel of trying to be something it’s not, but it was cute. A couple of the girls were fierce and a few of them even slipped. Loved it.

We start off this week with the girls giving each other a round of high fives for making the top six. Liz tells us that she wants to prove to the judges that she will do anything to win. She’s worried about the impression she left them with her horrible commercial. She should be worried. That shit was horrible. Chris then spends some time bragging about her commercial. Blah blah blah. It was only good because so many of the other ones were terrible. Then we get to watch a highlight reel of Ann falling juxtaposed with her first five amazing photos. She’s only a print model and needs to find a way to convert her beauty into film and in person. A therapist might help with that! She could use one.

Then, Miss Jay comes storming into the house telling the girls that it smells like ass. LOLs. He would know! He decides to take the girls on a bike ride around Venice. Ding Dong. Guess what’s coming. This show can be SO painfully obvious sometimes. He takes them to a canal where Tyrant rides up in a fucking gondola… complete with gondolier. Ugh. She tells them they’re going to the REAL Venice. Like Italy! SCREEEEAAAAAMMMMINNNNNGG. I’m just glad they’re going back to a country where fashion is actually a thing. Remember South Africa? And Sydney? Hahaha… so says me who just went to Vancouver Fashion Week. LOLs. I eat my words.

Gotta love Venice. It is a really beautiful and unique place. If you ever go, make sure to check out Murano. It’s a little set of islands nearby full of beautifully coloured row houses, canals, bridges and world-famous glass blowers.

The girls get some time to explore the city, drink some wine, and soak up the Italian amazingness before checking into their new digs in the Hotel Danieli. Kayla tells us she could get used to living this “fabulous life” because she’s gay and “that’s what we’re used to”. Yes! Tell it like is gurl. Tell it like it is. That’s why the Tea Partiers or Tea Baggers or Tea Boned Neanderthals or whatever they’re called hate us so much. Because we are fabulous. If you are a Tea Bagger and you are reading this… OMG. Check yourself! Libertarian Jesus Freaks should NOT be watching America’s Next Top Model. You should be tending to your herd of inbred goats. Snaps for me ya’ll!

Then Liz got shat on. By a bird. Actually shat on. The girls all complain about her complaining. Blah blah blah. It could not be more obvious that Liz is not winning the title. The editors totally hate her.

For this week’s photo shoot, the girls meet with Mr. J and photographer Simone Falcetta. They’re going to be shooting on gondolas near the Ponte Rialto. Gorgeous. The catch? They will be in groups of three and there will be a MALE MODEL. Uh oh Kayla! The good news though is that we are going to get some serious period couture. Love it. We’re talking fake moles, big hair, corsettes, and a hottie named Mario.

Chris, Liz, and Kayla

Chris and Liz struggled in the heat. Liz, as usual complained about everything. Mr. J was actually impressed with Kayla’s comfort level and how soft her beauty was. Liz just kept getting in everybody’s way and Chris started pouring on the ugly. As for the actual photo, it’s good… but definitely the poor cousin to the other group. Nigel liked the way Chris looked on her own, but her look and pose didn’t fit with the story line. ALT actually thought she looked afraid. Nigel didn’t think Liz committed enough. She was going in the right direction, but didn’t get all the way. ALT said he was not excited by Liz or her “slutty stance”. Tyrant liked her energy though. As for Kayla, the judges gushed and she is definitely number one for me in this photo. She is the star.

Ann, Jane, and Chelsey

On paper, this should be the stronger group. And it was. Ann seemed really nervous and disconnected, but she still looked stunning in the get up. Chelsey was really working it to engage Mario. And Jane was ROCKING this look. Mr. J said it was the best he’d seen her. As for the actual photo, the whole thing is gorgeous. All three girls really look the part and are bringing fierceness. I think my favourite is Jane, but it is very close. Nigel thought the close up of Chelsey was her best shot yet. Margherita thought she looked great but was not the star. ALT thought Ann looked incredibly aristocratic and Margharita was full of love for Ann. As for Jane, Nigel thought she was going too far. However, ALT loved it. He thought she looked romantic, glamorous and Venetian. Tyrant chimed in to say Jane was blowing the other two away. Yay!

Before we get to panel, Tyrant surprised the girls with a little visit at the hotel in some VERY high-waisted pants. I think I even saw some camel tow. Yikes. Then we got treated to some blubbering from Liz as she talked to her kid. Then the girls went to the house of Missoni and met with Angela and Margherita Missoni. It kinda turned into a go-see. They had the girls try on the Missoni winter collection and walk for them. The clothes were pretty heavy knits, but fabulously over the top.

At panel, we were graced again with the presence of Margherita Missoni. She’s really pretty. And, the new red set is HOT. Tyrant’s too-tight early 90s dress is NOT. There was actually a little bit of drama as some of the girls started to get a little faint in their heavy knits under the studio lights. Tyrant gave the part of the critiques with the girls sitting down… “fiercely”. Kayla was called first! Runner up was Jane! Double yay! She was followed by Chelsey and Ann. That left Chris and Liz in the bottom two. It looks like Liz’s days are numbered. She’s out of here!

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