Night Two and who’s as precariously excited as I am? I don’t mean to harp it, but I’m not too confident that tonight’s boys are gonna be much more amazing than the girls from Wednesday. I don’t know what it is about these smaller theatres (cough cough, less editing) but it always seems like the lack of dancing, background singers and the ability to maintain proper pitch rears its ugly head much more than when we finally make our way to the gigantic Kodak centre. That SAID, I’m constantly more impressed with the tone of the boys than the girls- just the way their voices work with the typically lower registers- so there’s a chance I won’t be as cringing this eve as much as I did for a few of the chicas from the night previous.

Tonight I’m gonna try to rant a bit less about the outfits (mostly because they’re guys and unless they’re trying to pull off the 10 sizes too small blazers like that queen preacher from last year I shouldn’t have TOO too much to comment there) as the boys typically don’t focus too much on the styling this early in the game. That said, you KNOW I’m gonna have something to say about JDA and her dress (I’m just assuming- we haven’t got there yet). Judges are the same as per, Mariah is just a total icon up there in the chairs and I’m hopeful that I do better with my predictions tonight that yesterday’s abortion of a favourite picking. Let’s get to it!

Paul Jolley – “Tonight I Wanna Cry” by Keith Urban

Not exactly shockingly, they start off with this season’s “hot guy”. A little too much product and a little too lean for my tasted I’m sure he’ll win the hearts of little girls and little boys who act like girls in no time. Singing Keith Urban himself (desperate much) he tries to go directly to the heartthrob routine and fails at it. Keith is pretty honest right off the bat- which surprises me but likely got “stop being such a candy cane” notes from the producers since last night- and I’m happy to see the judges are pulling punches. You know Nicki isn’t my biggest choice for judge of the year but I will definitely say I do NOT think she hides what she thinks and sadly that’s become rare in past years. Still, this panel wants the hottie to get through and they seem to sugar coat the criticism and I feel he’ll be going through per Nigel’s direction for sure. The song WAS stressed and over sung and he had his eyes crunched clothes in a misguided attempt to seem emotional and I think he needs some Jimmy Iovine going into the future. Also, this kid reminds me %100 percent of my friend Raf which completely tells me that while he may end up breaking some girls-at-homes hearts, he’s definitely not breaking any of their hymens in his private life ;) You GET what I’m saying!

Johnny Keyser – “I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz

IS this guy cute? I honestly can’t tell. He bounces between sweaty, shiny and plastic looking mess and blond beach boy surfer cute. Honestly, he’s too young for me and the neanderthal forehead always deters a bit so imma take a pass and let someone else pick up this kid- though I’m pretty sure this one swings straight. Well I’m only a moderate Mraz fan I do think this was a pretty good first choice for this kid. Oh Christ (literally), I just saw his gold cross pop out of his shirt and immediately I hate this kid herein and his less-than subtle attempt to get the jesus vote. Listening to the lyrics and hearing the word God about 6 times I’m feeling this guy is gearing to be the next christian rocker and I hate it. TRYING to put aside my utter aversion to all things religious and gross, Johnny did quite a decent job out there. He was a lot less forced than his predecessor but Nicki is right to call him for his lack of perfect vocals. The kid is more of a prop than a star but his looks might keep him in.

JDA – “Rumor Has It” by Adele

This gurl does not hold back. While I fully back everyone to come into their own, there’s always something about people who feel the need to express that they’re the “director, producer and star” of their own life that just turns off. Sparkle that body all you want (thought I’d be worried it turns carcinogen after the 18th pound you slather on your face) but try to maintain a BIT of groundedness doing it or you’ll be too hard to relate to in any way whatsoever. Still, this contender puts on a SHOW. There’s no real production put into this stage of the game so to see JDA be such one-man event up there was pretty fun. The judges seemed to be enjoying it while it was happening but I’m not sure the vocals enough were there. Ugh, this gurl cannot be humble to save her life as she tries to take over even the judges’ critique. I’m in the air if she’s gonna make it through but ONE HUNDRED percent love that she dropped “I gotta give it up for the gays!” THAT is a rarity on this show and hearing that was actually super refreshing. Clearly there’s no question when you see her take the stage but few if ANY singers really say it straight up and mention gay on this FOX station show and I give JDA full props for that. Still, I have a feeling this is her last night the way the cuts are gonna work. Vocals were NOT there.

Kevin Harris – “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” by Bryan Adams

Classic song- if a little over sung- Kevin Harris sadly ages himself right off the bat with this one. Age is NOT the friend of an Idol contender and I think this wasn’t the best long term decision- neither was the “No Country For Old Men” outfit. Wait, is he wearing a done up bow tie AND has an undone bow tie around his neck as well? He may as well have come out with a belt and suspenders on. Oh wait, I’m here for singing review whoops. Didn’t really like it: too slow, too sleepy (for a first performance on the big stage), too aged. Nicki was a lot nicer than I was for the most part but Randy had my back on this song choice and didn’t see him realize what he aimed for with this. Hell, Mariah even argued the choice all while maintaining her sweetness. The only reason he might get through is if bully Nicki throws a tantrum but I think he’s in trouble tonight. Oh lord, he ends by explaining his ties that they’re one each for his kids: nope, not having it. I don’t care if it’s cute to shout out to your family, but do it less ridiculously- just no.

Chris Watson – “(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay” by Otis Redding

I hate this kid from the second I see his sequined jump suit thing and I think the judges couldn’t believe what they were seeing as this suddenly queenie performer took the stage. This kid looks like what a snake would be like if he was turned human and asked to sing. He’s too rubbery on stage and bounces around in a desperate attempt to mimic what came so much more naturally to JDA who sang and performed to the crowd so much more naturally. This kid sucked at the song- too much running around and breathlessness- and I thought it was just gross. Nicki AGAIN couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks and is about the sole person to really stand up for him. I don’t know HOW the judges find anything redeeming in his look- Keith Richards did it 80 years ago and we don’t need a resurgence. This song choice is lame and will never motivate a crowd and while I think he would benefit from a mentor I do NOT see him making it past this stage.

Devin Velez – “Listen” by Beyonce


We HAVE to take a second to ask why this kid constantly feels the need to dress like Mr. Rogers. Kid, you’re SO young, you have the rest of your life to be 80; let’s not skip right to sweaters and sad pants. Okay, singing: focus Adam. Damn, a bilingual performance on day one. Bold choice and it went pretty well I’d say! While I’m VERY hardpressed to believe that anyone with this level of gay face could woo the often very very catholic latin vote, I see his attempt and don’t fail him for it. Keith is right to point out that this kid actually SINGS his song unlike more than the few contenders before him and that I appreciate. Nicki’s review sounds like a kiss of death: “I’m glad your parents got to see you” haha and I’m not sure he’s a 100% in but he DID do quite a good job so there’s hope for this little bottom yet.

Elijah Liu – “Talking to the Moon” by Bruno Mars


From line one I’m done with this kid. WAY overdone in a Michael Jackson “Thriller” outfit, the very young kid takes on too much with this song. Never being a Bruno Mars fan until I saw him take one about 18 different styles of songs and singers in that hilarious SNL skip where he works for Pandora, I’ve come to realize that that kid can SING. You know who can’t: Elijah Liu. This kid bit off WAY more than he can chew and he’s the only for sure thing to go home tonight without a doubt in my mind. He missed every high note, he struggled with lyrics and looked 10-years old going on 8 with his lack of identity. Nicki LOVED him and I’ve come to realize that she and I have the OPPOSITE views of absolutely everyone up there: I think (as much as I’m loathed to say it) am a Randy and realize that this kid blew this chance. Pack your bags kid.

Charlie Askew – “Rocket Man” by Elton John


Oh god this kid is so awkward it’s adorable. More often than not the weird kids on this show seem like they’re playing a gimmic- you just KNOW this kid is being who he is and it’s super cute. His outfits are just the dumbest and that he’s wearing a sparkly belt per JDA’s orders is just the height of cuteness. This song choice is an interesting one. It’s older but iconic and for that I appreciate it but Charlie took it on in such an emotional way that it came across as more shaky than it did professional. He didn’t do a great time with the microphone, he didn’t know how to play to the audience though he kept trying, he missed his high notes and spent most of the night singing from the floor. This performance had a whole lot of heart but so little perfection and I don’t know if it’ll do it. Charlie is for sure a crowd favourite- even a bit as a curiosity rather than as true fans- but I don’t know if he can beat out 5 other boys tonight. The judges know that critiquing him will garner a bunch of boos and they’re careful to be as nice as they can- and personally I think if he makes it someone who had a better performance tonight will be going home.

Jimmy Smith – “Raining On Sunday” by Keith Urban


Oh this poor awkward in puberty child. Fighting off the remnant of baby fat, Jimmy Smith (really? could his name BE more country?) isn’t my fave. ANOTHER Keith Urban song (eye roll), I don’t think this kid deserves to go on. If he does it’ll be based on the need to pump up country singer numbers for the bible belt vote. His singing was well done- I won’t argue that- but the performance was boring and the song choice blah. Keith had about five seconds of critique and Nicki way harshly but honestly stated she was “bored and thinking about something else”. The judges make it clear that he was fine but he’s not moving ahead no way no how tonight. I’m glad that country was finally cut and it’s clear this kid is on his way home.

Curtis Finch, Jr – “Superstar” by The Carpenters


Gospel. Really? I can’t even pretend to want to hide my bias with this type of music. There’s a time and a place and it’s in a Church surrounded by people who hate gays. Sadly, this style of music VERY often makes the judges go wild because none of them want to risk the Christian wrath for saying anything against a song about jesus or burning gays or whatever these songs are about. Curtis is of course one of those full range gospel kids and for that I give him credit to have a huge voice but I do not get out of my seat for guys who hit soprano in every song just because they can. I think this kid is too hard to send home by the judges and think it’s going to be left to America to ultimately get bored of him down the road just like they did last year with the much gayer version of this kid. Yes, he’ll make it through- no he won’t win. Fact.


Okay, let’s get right to the results and ignore Ryan’s crap vamping. Curtis Finch, Jr STAYS, Jimmy Smith GOES HOME, Kevin Harris GOES HOME, Elijah Liu STAYS (WHAT THE FUCK?! I’m done. Donovan, you’re back in charge: seeing this I can’t even pretend to have an opinion anymore), JDA GOES HOME and PAUL JOLLEY STAYS (but only after some fake tie and thrown to Jimmy Iovine who suddenly has developed magic powers to save singers). Honestly, Elijah getting through is complete pandering and producer crap and I’m out but will finish this off.


Continuing with the cuts: Chris Watson GOES HOME, Charlie Askew STAYS, Johnny Keyser GOES HOME and Devin Velez STAYS.

I’ve officially checked out of tuning into fox but WILL be dropping in twice weekly into Donovan’s articles to see him keep the rant going and find out how he feels this year goes with his particular brand of sass. Please don’t let my disappointment curb your enthusiasm but I’m too pissed to feel this show is anything but Nigel Lythgoe being a dick.

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