Well, this week has been BETTER. I’m going to assume this was Nigel Lythgoe’s annual purchasing of black market baby organs to keep his skeletor body alive and therefore someone else took over and decided to give us a theme week of: “Idols singing their idols” which allowed for actual contemporary and recognizable tunes. On top of that, we even get to see the tremendously huge (in the platinum sales kind of way) Nicki Minaj perform “Starships” and of course the typical previous Idol failures attempting to bump their sales with Season 10’s winner Scotty McCreery singing “Water Tower Town“. Maybe you’ll actually try a live performance this time mr. parade lip sync disaster??

Last night was a good one for fans of actual talent on this show as Vote for the Worst favourite DeAndre YouMakeMeSick BOMBED his 100% falsetto version of an Eric Benet song and how-is-he-still-here Heejun Huh came across as mediocre at best. Further, true talent Elise Testone blasted the damn hell out of an impossible rock ballad and got the full support of the judges which only perfectly sets up this show to fall on its ass if the voters didn’t support her and we once again see her in the bottom. It’s cruel to hope for someone to fail, but this girl cannot win with America’s voting system on this show and so I’m hoping she stands as a lightning rod of disgust from viewers with brains and ears everywhere who will watch her get kicked off for not being peppy, young or cookie cutter enough to make the Idol cut. Ranting aside, Seacrest has been promising a “shocker” tonight so let’s get to those results and see how Nicki did tonight!

First up we hear that Aerosmith is having some big world tour. I couldn’t care less: Steven Tyler makes some blah joke about a lion. NEXT. Hmmm what do we have here? Eric Benet himself approving of DeAndre’s performance of his song from last night? JESUS H CHRIST IDOL. You have got to be kidding me. If this isn’t the most obvious example of trying to push/promote/re-edit a contestant to keep him on longer, then strike me dead now. First off, the performance was crap, that’s not even a question. Second, to choose one or two contestants only and have them promoted in such a huge and extravagant way is so blatant it’s bordering being on rude to the audience. That we’re suppose to believe any of this is you calling us brain dead. I hate you, I hate everything you do: I’m only here for a couple kids I actually think have the chops to do something with themselves. Nigel, retire already.

So RESULTS!! First up is Elise Testone, Phillip Phillips and Hollie Cavanagh. I am TRULY worried this is the end for Elise tonight. Even though she was amazing, even though she looked great and even though the judges fully backed her: she is just not understood on this show! We know my man Phil is safe as he was insanely adorable and did a great job at his while Hollie on the other hand had a misstep in her look (AGAIN) and performance last night as she seemed lost in her country attempt. Survey says: Elise stays (HOLY CRAP AWESOME); Phil stays (no shock there); Hollie is Bottom Three… wow, I did not see American picking Elise over Hollie but am very excited to see real voters came out last night. You can just see the shock in Elise- and me as well as I was totally wrong folks- but honestly, if we’re just looking at those three it was H-dog that didn’t pull it out last night. There’s no way she’s heading home, so I’m not too worried about losing this tiny girl with the huge voice.

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Next up, Idol busted out some real money (or she was just that into pumping her single “Starships“), and it’s Nicki Minaj– boobs and all. And, damn, there are some boobs. Can’t believe FOX is getting away without slapping their logo over those hounds, but good for her! Doing some The Littlest Mermaid/Psycho Beach Party thing, she definitely puts on a huge show and shows why she’s doing so hugely well right now with this latest release. She looks amazing and pumps the audience and even gets fresh with Jennifer Lopez afterwards and says she’s up to guest judge anytime. This is how it’s done Lana Del TapedPerformance.

Back to the all important results. We have up Colton Dixon, Joshua Ledet and Heejun Han. Personally, if it wasn’t Elise in the bottom tonight I think it should have been Joshua and his screaming and way-too emotional and choked out Mariah Carey remix thing from last night. He didn’t maintain his voice or composure but got such high praise from the judges that there was no way the crowd would think independently and bounce the church gurl. Sooooo: Colton stays (zero surprise, girl voters ARE this show and he is made for them); Joshua stays (less than enthused here); Heejun is Bottom Three. Now THERE is a real result. Worried that his fan base might have nudged him to safety despite his lack-luster showing on Wednesday, I’m happy to see that voters are seeing through his one-trick-pony comedy routine and realizing he’s actually a bit of a dick and really not that great a singer in comparison to the talent standing next to him. Phil, I knew you’d make it… celebratory drinks on me??

Oh lord, it’s last year’s country crap Scotty McCreery singing some crap from his crap CD “Clear as Day“. Clearly, you can tell how I feel about this kid. I love that he’s trying to pull off the open dress shirt thing while Phil Phils was just on that stage showing us what ACTUALLY attractive looks like. The song is about Friday night football or white-something town and I couldn’t care less. He still sounds like he’s 40 hasn’t got rid of the ginger hair yet. Thankfully the notes are on and he certainly has energy so I’m sure the little girls in the crowd got their money worth even if the song sounds like 4 rednecks wanting to “show them there yankees what a real song sounds like” wrote it one drunken night. Let’s get back to the matter at hand.

Next up is the final three and I’m now super scared that Idol paid a million (I’m assuming) to have Eric Benet show and support DeAndre’s crap means he won’t be bottom three let alone going home tonight. Jessica stays (ZERO surprise, I’ve now picked her for the win of this whole damn thing); DeAndre stays (CRAP!!! AMERICA CRAP!!!!); Skylar is Bottom Three. So, wow. Yes, Skylar’s wasn’t the most memorable from last night but she was ON, looked good and had the energy of a million DeAndres. The problem I’m seeing is that this isn’t a country year like last year and Phil is likely stealing any of those southern votes all to himself with his subtle twang. Still, there is NO excuse for Skylar (or Hollie for that matter!!!) being brought down before crap-on-a-frizz-haired-stick DeAndre. Though I’m happy Elise made it, I’m once again hugely pissed with the voters.

So, what happens when we bring the bottoms (haha) out for the final reckoning? Skylar stays; Hollie Stays; Heejun is sent home. Thank HELL on that one. He truly has been lame for basically every performance since he got to the main stage as he constantly tried to win with personality- and not a good one at that- going from from mocking mentors to ignoring judges and started to piss everyone off. His outfits were atrocious- though I don’t put too much blame on him (Tommy Hilfiger!)- and his attempts to hide and pull out his accent too obvious. He sings: “A Song for You” to try and grab for that judge’s save (yeah f-ing right) and of course he’s promptly denied it.

Tonight was up and down for me. Like I said, I’m excited Elise made it through but honestly it’s postponing the inevitable with her and I want her off this show and doing her own thing as soon as possible. Hollie dropped it a bit but will stay strong as long as she stays interesting while Skylar needs to connect with that damn audience as she has the talent to be there. Heejun NEEDED to go so that was the right choice, but WTFFF (f-ing f f): how is DeAndre still there. And, not just there but not even bottom three? I’m struggling to understand what TV sets people are using that scramble his undropped ball voice to something passable that week after week kids are voting for him. I call it atrocious that he’s made it this far and almost can’t wait to see him bomb next Wednesday. Speaking of, it’s (fuck a duck): 80s week. As yet again, Idol kills us with another lame and dated concept. Yes, there’s some good songs in those years but NO ONE in that audience remembers anything before Justin Bieber got his first haircut and they need to realize it. Can’t wait to make fun of this show next time, don’t forget to tune in. And, let me know what you thought of tonight below!!

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