Last night was British Hits and Songs From the 60s: I was barely amused. Thankfully the brit picks were for the most part quite recent while the mid-century (literally, Nigel, you’re having them sing MID CENTURY SONGS) tunes were meh. More often than not, the responsibility to update and modernize these songs falls on the shoulders of the kids as they attempt not just individualize their performance but also rise above the terrible theme choices being made by our aged producers avoiding forced retirement. That said, the night was pretty good.

Oh and while I say “good”, Lopez would have you believe “greatest thing in the entire history of things ever” as she ridiculously threw it out that Joshua Ledet was the “best singer in 50 years”. Once again, it’s crap statements like this that a) make me hate these judges b) make me hate a show that wouldn’t edit crap like that out c) not trust a single standing ovation they’ve given the kid to date and d) did I already say J Lo is an idiot cause I should have. Anyway, tonight’s show features huge names in the industry as we get played to by Carrie Underwood and Coldplay. Sometimes the performance gods to look down on us. But, I ain’t here for no cold, I’m here for RESULTS: which by the way, only include a bottom TWO this evening. Whhhaaat? Let’s get to them!

Top 5 Recap – Wednesday Night Performances

Watching this assortment of the “Best of Last Night” you’d feel like the episode was a bit more exciting than it actually was: while the technical points were dead on for nearly every performance (not all though as Phil outstretched himself in the high parts), the excitement wasn’t quite as much as I’d hoped for. Yes, Jess danced her ass of and Skylar brought the energy, but overall I’m still waiting for something to actually make me clap at home or reply 3, 4, 5 times because it was just that good. Still, now you know what we’re working with as we head into tonight’s elimination!

Joshua Ledet is the first one called to the stage and the judges continue to force my eyes to roll right out of their god damn sockets. Steven and Randy call him Top 2 and Top 1 contestant ever (go fuck yourselves, honestly: Carrie Freaking-Underwood is on the show tonight and you’re gonna say crap like that? If this kid sells HALF of what she has, I’ll have a heart attack). We find out pretty quickly that my prediction from last night is accurate and: Joshua stays.

Next up Coldplay perform “Paradise” of their newest album (I’ll post the video as soon as I find it). The whole thing was a bit boring honestly: they’re really more of a 4:20/planetarium light show kind of band to me these days, especially with slower songs like these. The crowd does some stupid hand swaying thing as they’re forced into waving their lit wrist bands back and forth. I didn’t love it and think they could have picked a bigger impact and approachable song to show to all of America. Ah well.

Next up, Hollie Cavanagh and Phil Phillips are called up. Weirdly Jimmy Iovine preferred her first song to the second, but maybe he like a lot of the commenters I got yesterday felt she didn’t live up to Leona Lewis’ original version. For my handsome boy Phil, Jimmy says he thinks the kid deserves Bottom Two for his lame job on both his acts last night. Way harsh Jimmy if not a little true. We find out: Hollie is Bottom Two; Phil stays. While I’m still technically two for two on my predictions, I’m gonna to not qualify my guess that Phil would go bottom as technically wrong as I didn’t know there would only be two in the deep end tonight. It seems like looks are growls are keeping this sexy boy in the game and I just KNOW that’s gotta piss a lot of viewers (and readers here) off!

Carrie Underwood: winner of Season 4 and arguably the most popular and most sold Idol contestant ever takes the stage to perform “Blown Away“. First off, she straight up looks like an angel. Ripped, white strips of cloth and impossibly perfect blond hair the girl is gorgeous head to toe. Sound-wise, I’m slightly less impressed. Starting off she sounds a little drowned by the instruments and it seems like she’s forgotten how the Idol stage acoustics work as she struggles to find her pitch. By halfway through she gets her Ashley Macisaac on and has this little scratchy, twangy thing as she pulls a full on Angelina and spreads those roman legs and gets nearly “blown away” off stage. The whole performance is more sultry than it is talent for me and I wish we could have heard her more and the backgrounds less. Still, sex on a stick and she’ll dominate those charts without a doubt.

Down to the last two: it’s Skylar Laine and Jessica Sanchez‘s turns. Jimmy is being a bit of bitch on my southern girl as he rags on the production value put into her song which clearly isn’t her fault, and while it’s fine for him to say it now that the votes are all counted, it’s still a black mark on her record as the viewers take in every insult and never fully forget something even small like this. Jimmy then calls out Jessica for being too sexy and I’m over him tonight. We find out: Jessica stays and Skylar is Bottom Two. I am soooooo surprised. I had Skylar picked as the hands down winner of last night and honestly the only thing I can think is bull shit Idol once again. I fully believe that they’ve been manipulating the drama of these Thursday nights into “near sending homes” for our biggest and brightest like with Jess almost getting sent home weeks ago. I cannot believe Skylar didn’t get the votes and if she didn’t then it just shows what ridiculous “contest” this thing has become. I’m SURE we’re gonna hear a “How is Skylar down but Phil up?” on this one! Oh well, at least she’s pitted against super weak Hollie.

To fill more coca cola commercial time, Coldplay comes back on stage to perform: “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall” (I’ll post when I find a good version). Chris Martin is at least out of his chair/bench this time so that adds a good amount to the energy of this second act. He’s a little more old school Colplay with this one as his performance histrionics have the girls go wild and he sounds a helluva lot livelier. I’m glad they had another chance tonight as this one was much better than the first. They’re still all done up in neon rave-esque colours and I worry for the epileptics watching at home but as he spins stupidly on stage by the end of it you can’t help smile as the crowd is littered with about 100lbs of ticker tape.

Returning back from commercial Lopez puts her cougar stiletto foot in her mouth as she declares the Top 3 deserve to be safe as they are and then Seacrest announces it: SKYLAR IS SENT HOME. I’m honestly saddened and pissed by these results and can’t believe this upset. She was not only the best of the night but one of the few remaining smart singers left. She stamped every performance with her unique brand to make it her own and outshone most if not all of the remaining singers with her humility and undeniable sweetness. I’m completely disheartened and am going to leave it at this before I start swearing and using very bad words to describe the producers whom I think decided not to let this country runaway get any further in the game where they have to actually SHOW the votes and how they’re counted as they don’t want two country winners in a row. Just because you BLEW it with Scotty McIdiot last year you idiots, doesn’t mean Skylar wasn’t going to take off. I’m 100% sure she will on her own but this is a SAD day for this show. Please feel free to sound off below!!