Well, we’re still here: and so are more than a couple singers who really don’t deserve to be. So far this season has brought us plagues, pageant moms, tragic falsettos, busted criminals and a couple good songs; you’d think the ratings might reflect what sounds like interesting drama. But alas, this is a singing competition and as the singing has often blowed thus far, the stats on viewership are waaay down. Once the most popular damn thing on TV, Idol has slipped steadily for the last 5 seasons to an all-time low, and do you know why? Well, a lot of reasons, but if you’ve been following my reviews or the show itself these recent years you’d know that it’s become a pageantry of commercialism, false drama and produced moments.

So, where has tonight brought us? Well, there’s more than a couple kiddos due to be up on the block as far as last night’s sad songs are concerned and we have some performances by Chris Daughtry, Demi Lovato and (wait for it) “SNL” crash and burn tradegy Lana Del Rey– just how rich IS this bitch’s dad? I’m here tonight to hopefully see the reinstatement of: “Sing For Your Life” if the judges decide to hear out the least voted for’s one more time and for sure to see someone I can’t stand going home: please be Shannon or Heejun. Well, let’s get to it and see how tonight goes!

First off, J Lo, you look like the ceiling of a 10-year old gay, wannabe astronaut’s bedroom. Second, is there no Lana Del Rey? I was promised a live tragedy performance, but Seacrest interestingly skips over her name as he lists the line up for tonight hmmmm. I guess we’ll see. Third, we find out Tommy Hilfiger is going to be the Image consultant of the show?? Yikes, I don’t know a single person who wears anything off the rack from this guy anymore- though I’m sure he can put on a reasonable fashion show of pieces we’ll never see in stores across the country- so how great a choice was this? If I start seeing his iconic red, white and blues all over I’m gonna lose it, I’ll tell you that right now.

So, now we get down to results! Finding out that this is actually quite an important one for the contestants as all those who make it today are in the “Top 10” and go on tour, raking in a lot more dough from this whole experience, there’s some added interest and pressure to this eve.

Phil Phils gets a full nod (and deservedly so) from mentor Jimmy Iovine who wants this kid to go as far as I do; Skylar Laine gets called out as Jimmy says it was the wrong song (ummm weren’t you her mentor Jimmy?); Elise Testone finally gets top cred from Jim and I’m happy as hell to hear that and hope she stays a long while; finally, Joshua Ledet the proclaimed “winner” of last night gets told the original singers his song even loved it (wow!). I’m left thinking who the hell didn’t make it out of these great singers? Yikes, I’m worried it’s Skylar whom I love but think didn’t quite pull it out as much as the rest did. Joshua stays, Phil stays, Skylar stays and WTF Elise is Bottom Three. AMERICA, I HATE THEE.

No joke, this youth-only crap I’m seeing in these votes is bull: Elise murdered her performance, was backed by the judges and looked great. Other than the fact that she’s 10 years older than the rest of the girls and boys out there, there’s nothing to hold her back. I’m furious. Oh, and speaking of ridiculous youth, Demi Lovato, the singer turned bulimic poster girl turned apparent porn star considering tonight’s hairdo sang terribly in a Guns n’ Roses shirt I’m sure her publicist told her to wear and not even try to understand. Singing, I don’t know “Hard to Break”(?), it was off-pitch and boring and could have been better sung by most if not all the other girls waiting to hear their results next to her. Blech,

Let’s go round two results: DeAndre helps us understand how the song choice goes down as Jimmy explains the mentors get offered 3 from the singer but ultimately they only suggest and the contestant chooses… Yeah, even if that’s true we saw a LOT of pressure from both Will.I.Am. and Jimmy last night on this kid to sing this crap song so I’m not totally believing that; Colton gets told he’s inappropriately judged by Randy and you can watch the “Dawg’s” hilarious anger to Jimmy in the screen in the corner; Shannon is thankfully called out by J whereas the panel of judges were WAY too easy on her and I think prompted to like her no matter what by the producers; Jessica gets well-criticized by Jimmy who ACTUALLY evaluates the performance as I’d love the judges one day to do but know they never will- he still thinks she’ll make it through based on past success. Result time: Colton stays, Jessica stays, DeAndre (ugh) stays and Shannon (rightfully) is Bottom Three. Should have been both the last two and not Elise but oh well, as long as Heejun is the last of the low pics I think my man-sounding gal will be safe as she should be.

Chris Daughtry– one of the biggest proofs of how little one needs to win Idol to be the biggest star afterwards (Adam Lambert being another huge example)- does his little rock thing next. The song was more pop than I would have wanted and a little too love songy for me. He sings the entire time to his right shoulder and we’re left wondering just how bad that side of his face must be that he’s hiding it so much. Not what I would call a star performance I’m once again let down by an Idol interlude. NEXT.

Final three are brought to the block: Hollie Cavanagh gets straight A’s from Jimmy as she deserved for her great song, but he does hilariously take her down for her old maid outfit; Heejun Han gets related to an “Asian Pop Music Experience” and I’m dying of laughter and just waiting to be called a racists by readers for even REPORTING the joke made by Jimmy (can’t wait to see how it’s my fault this time ha); and Erika van Pelt once again is a barking point between Randy and Jimmy and I’m actually realizing this is the only interesting part of this entire show as desperado Mad Dawg continually turns back to yell and argue himself to an awesomely dismissive Jimmy in the audience. We find out that Hollie stays, Erika is in the Bottom Three and Heejun stays. AGE BEFORE TALENT is all I can freaking say. No joke, Erika and Elise are getting ABUSED by these voters and I’m now starting to hate the callers as much as I do the producers of this show. Christ, I’m moving to England and watching nothing but “X-Factor”.

Coming back from the break is a HUGE surprise as we find out this is all down to America’s votes and not the judges this time to declare who goes. On top of that, apparently there IS “Sing For Your Life” as the judges are given one last chance to listen to the performer live and decide if they get the one “Save” of the season to keep them in.

Okay, as Shannon bleats out her awful version of “One Sweet Day” I have to spaz about this. WHAT THE HELL IDOL? You are all over the place this season. First, it’s bringing back a guy for no reason who ended up being a wanted criminal. Second, you pit boys against girls, unfairly forcing certain singers to be called the bottom even though they outperformed others from the opposite gender. Third, they have the judges out of nowhere picking the singer to go home for one random elimination. Fourth, we suddenly have “Sing For Your Life” brought back to life without reason. Fifth, now it’s up to just America again who goes? GET.IT.TOGETHER. This show is (no joke) making it up as they go along and it’s so transparent: it looks like they’re readjusting a pilot, not continuing a “successful” show in its ELEVENTH season!!! Oh, and where the F*%# was Lana Del Rey? Once again, make promises (she was billed on tickets they sold to the taping) and not deliver: slow clap Idol and Nigel Lythgoe.

Well, Shannon’s awful, screeching song is over and thank god the judges are smart enough to pass on her staying. She does some goodbye thing and is finally off as she should have been so many weeks ago. I’m pretty hugely disappointed in tonight’s voting results as the oldest and most talented get nearly dropped and in the show itself as they continue to crap on the vaguely remaining legacy of this series. What did you think? Can’t WAIT for next week 😛

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