Well, Hollywood week is finally done and a good amount of the sad sacks that needed to go have gone. And, I do mean sad as too many people often skate through those original auditions based on “Momma left me early on” stories that pull at the judges heartstrings so much that their ears can’t hear actual talent and send them through. Hollywood was a great chance to see some talent that didn’t make it to the silver screen before hand and an even better chance to stress out those tiny tots to the point that they crack and show not just what they had for lunch but also just how terrible and inexperienced they truly are. Still, it’s not quite done and there’s plenty more crap that needs to go. I mean, come on: Richie god damn Law is still there!

So it’s now Vegas Week 1 and while we’re still seeing the kids perform in groups, it’s the BETTER remaining singers so hopefully way less lyrical amnesia than we saw last night in Hollywood. Unfortunately, they have them singing in the style of the 50s and 60s which sounds ridiculous to me as all they ever tell them come live performances is NOT to sound dated. Considering how things have been going in the season thus far I’m expecting more puke, more collapsing and a whole lot of tears… Oh right, and some “talented performers” :P Spoiler alert, I am SUPER disappointed in the performances, drama and judges tonight and find myself wondering if they were drinking from Paula’s cup cause these three must are clearly on drugs.

First up to the do-wop (sp?) stage is Cari Quoyeser who sings with an amazing twang of something undefinable to her voice I love, Chase Likens whose eyelashes look like they’re eating his face, Skylar Laine whose Reba-esque hair hopefully distracts from her lack-luster performance, and Idol fave Colton Dixon and his stupid-ass hair that looks like something J-Wow would style who sounds…. fine. Personal pick of the bunch is Cari (can you say Amanda Seyfried??) whose skinny little legs barely hold her up, and then BAM! I am served as the judges approve of them all except for my girl. Shit, I really don’t know what I’m talking about do I?

Next up are the youngins’: I wonder if their moms are there to be in charge of the whole thing all over again in this new city. Ugh, as David Leathers Jr speaks and explains his group dynamic I already struggle to keep my eyes from rolling out of my head at his annoying cockiness. Ohhhh and then we have the whiny “diva” who complains she’s holding the entire group up AND that she’s not getting enough time to sing; can’t stand her already. Sound-wise we start with David who’s pretty dead on as much as I’m loathe to admit it; Jeremy Rosado, the too-big-to-really-make-it Modern Family brazilian kid lookalike pushes out a prepubescent decent amount of notes; Ariel Sprague serves a good amount of sass; and, Gabi Carrubba the whiner starts off pretty buried among the back up singers until she gets some solo time with the high notes and impresses the judges as far as I can tell. They- not surprisingly as they’re riding the youth thing- all make it through.

Next is my nemesis: the likely-gay new father Adam Brock who still seems to be going for the hipster look does a good job at the piano; Erika Van Pelt looks like someone’s mom who wandered onto the stage; crazy everything Angie Zeiderman looks more like Marilyn Manson than she does a real singer and man does she not do a good job hoping along those car hoods; Shelby Tweten ironically sings about being nervous as she LOOKS it up there. Somehow they received abundant clapping at the end of their performance though I did not feel they deserved it: low energy and low originality, they all some-god-damn-how make it through. I see most if not all these kids getting kicked out SOON though: I’m worried that Randy likes that Adam kid however. Crap.

Cute outfits hit the stage next with some Sky Officer sexiness: it’s Schyler Dixon, Brielle Von Hugel and Molly (?? I don’t even know if they give her last name ha) who (once again, I’m sure the judges will disagree with me) bomb it like it’s Hiroshima out there. You can barely hear their vocals over the music and their dancing- if you can call it that- is so off it looks like they made it up as they went along. Only Molly gets the no today.

Who’s next? A whole lotta people I can’t stand. Reed Grimm of Hollywood histrionics and fake drama seems to be the leader of this group of misfits who take the stage attempting to “modernize the classic”. His weird leg thing and huge nose are way too much for me to even pay attention to his singing: I’m just glad he’s not gay cause we’d send him back. Accompanied by Elise Testone and her makeup who only seems to remember the high notes and squeaks more than the sax next to her, Haley Johnson who’s pretty awful and too quiet herself and Eben Franckewitz- the Bieber wannabe- who is so small they couldn’t even find an outfit that fits him, swims through his mediocre and over-the-top in physicality performance. I hate them all and honestly hope they all go home. What do the judges say? Standing ovation REALLY??? Are they hearing something we can’t??? I’ll give them the final note as well done but crap, the are not making needed cuts.

Finally, we see the aftermath of assholeness and Richie Law is left to wander till the lone idiot can find at least one person to team up with (pretty sure they were instructed to find teams of 4 or 5 hmmm but anyway) and it ends up being the lowest of low singers: gay, momma’s boy Jermaine Jones. They literally split the work and don’t even help one another as the vocal coach nearly strangles them haha: I can’t wait to see them hit the stage and Richie BOMB. Jermaine goes high and sounds pretty but Richie sounds like a cartoon character and their pairing does not work for me at all. Hell, I can barely even hear their words let along understand why Richie is standing while Jermaine stays seated like some black and white seesaw haha. End result: ONCE AGAIN the judges love it. I have no clue what’s going on tonight!!

Jessica Sanchez is up next singing like a crazy church lady holding snakes in a basement somewhere in South Carolina, along with Weird Al Yankovic looking Deandre Brackensick who starts off sounding like a mouse and then turns into some weird monkey thing that seems to forget the words to the song, and Candice Glover who pulls out her inner Mercedes a la Glee and does some old hat performance. They sound terrible together and get way too much stage time in my opinion… Judges say: “Praise the Lord” and “Ya’ll blew that out”. I HATE them tonight, I swear they’re going to come out with a release post this episode to explain why only we at home could hear how awful they were but why they had some filter they got the notes through. Wow. Just wow. HOWEVER they do suddenly explain to this set of kids that if the upcoming performers are better they can bring these early yes’ back to tell them no without rhyme or reason. Christ, they should revisit nearly all of them I think.

Group two starts off with Clayton Farhat, Scott Dangerfield, Adam Lee Decker and Curtis Grey. They look like THE oldest guys in the whole competition but that also granted them the confidence to come across as experienced and low-drama so I’ll say yay to these boys men. Although, I do have to recommend a diet for these horizontal stripe wearin’ sweat bags. Once again, the judges call me an idiot and seem to have a lot of issues with these guys’ notes and take them over the coals for a bit as they deliberate before they decide that all but Curtis make it through. They quickly stream through a mix of groups that seem to just all be getting the Vegas pass along as I’ve come to see it and make it through on very little apparent talent.

Then the barbies take the stage and Britnee Kellogg kicks her group off to a terrible and desperate sounding start, along with drag king looking Courtney Williams and Jessica Phillips whom you can barely distinguish. Okay, don’t screw with me Idol: TELL ME they’re going home. They missed notes, forgot words and look sweatier than a hooker in church… Yet, only Jessica hears a no. I guess I should be happy at least one of my pics got sent home: damn these 3 blind deaf mice.

Lauren Gray starts off her trio by screeching and going overboard as they judges- of course- cheer her on; then it’s Wendy Taylor and her weird earrings to sound pained and terrible in the high registry; and, finally Mathenee Treco who should really not be in this competition anymore who proves it by losing his voice as sounding just plain awful. Only terrible Mathenee gets told to go home and I start to realize that talent has nothing to do with this episode. I honestly believe that at this point the producers have told the judges this is the time to get rid of “bad for TV” singers who may not have terrible auditions today but who cares, let’s just pick em’ off one by one. Blech.

A bit of a dream team (not according to me, but the judges) comes up with Heejun Han, Neco Starr, Jairon Jackson and Phil Phillips pull of a well-tempered and in tune group performance. I still can’t stand Heejun’s awkward attitude (you KNOW he’s got one of those Tiger Moms) and honestly thought he was the weakest singer of the bunch, but of course, the judges fly these ones into the next round with high marks.

Some purple-suited weirdo looking group comes up and I don’t recognize any in their odd outfits but the emerald glad girl who towers over her nerdy counterparts. Creighton Fraker, Aaron Marcellus, Nick Boddington and Jen Hirsh bore me to sleep with their song but it’s the 50s/60s so what do you expect I suppose. Still, I don’t won’t even waste my time to critique as we all know what’s gonna happen… yet again, all but one as gender ambiguous Nick is sent home.

Well, it’s the end of the Day 2 people and they bring back the Day 1ers to give them some baaaaaad news. First up is the cocky Gabi to be retroactively sent home: HA, you cocky diva. Second is Schyler Dixon- sister to infamous Colton- who finally and deservedly gets sent home. There’s weird little Angie, Candace and WHAT?! Super cute Johnny Keyser who hasn’t even appeared in a while who gets blown out of the water and sent home: more than a couple tweens are crying at home over that one, and a couple of older gays I know as well ha. Jairon is sent packing as well as Britnee who loses it on the side of the stage and looks like a prom girl the morning after during her walk of shame. Again, I’m telling you this whole “Oh, you’re leaving” thing was just to get rid of the extras that Nigel Lythgoe never wants to see live.

Well, that’s it for today and I’m desperate to hope there’s any left that I actually care about on this stage. So little proper cutting took place today as this episode will go down in my books as the CLEAREST and most definitive example of how produced and fake this show is and talent goes home as idiots float through. That, or I’m tone deaf and never knew it because to me, these performances were blowing chunks left and right tonight and none of the judges seemed to care to say anything about it. Come one Idol, prove me wrong next week! PLEASE.

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