Another day, another desperate load of kids hoping to make it big. Maybe Colorado will actually offer us some real contenders this time around for the winners circle! Thus far, as you can read from my reviews, I’ve been pretty unimpressed with the “best singers” as chosen by the judges: good looking, sappy stories and begging seems to be the key to making through to the second round. I need me some ORIGINAL sounds and unique personalities and so far, short of one or two girls I’ve mentioned in past articles, I haven’t seen that star yet.

So, it’s time to try out Aspen. Also, really? Aspen? I’m sure it’s not, but I have this image of a tucked away snowy town that’s only accessible by one, rocky road… I know that makes no sense, but how did the infamous ski slopes of Asp get chosen? I’m honestly starting to question that there isn’t some weird marketing or cross-promotion thing going on behind the scenes but who really cares. Let’s get to what you’re here for: me complaining about the awful auditions.

Jenni Schick – Heartbreaker

Let’s begin with the beard, I’m sorry, I meant Jennni Schick. Though, seriously Jenni? Your boyfriend has a list of three stars he can kiss and it’s Lady Gaga, Ryan Seacrest and Adam Levine??? Though the last two I can understand, they’re kind of cute (not Ryan this season though), Lady Gaga really? Your bf is a MO girl. Regarding J’s voice however, she manages to pull out a pretty decent audition despite coming on WAY too strong right off the bat. But, on the more strenuous notes she really bails though the judges overlook it I’m assuming due to her distracting tooth gap as well as the gorgeous scenery outside (seriously, I’m now looking into moving to CO!).

Curtis Gray is the second one up and the first one to bomb… oh wait, that’s just my opinion as once again the judges push him through. Yet another case of a voice with a few years of lessons to back it up but not much else except for a cute face that would be cuter if he dropped 15. And so, the baggy pants server gets a way-too easy yes from the (what I’m assuming must be) sedated judges: blech.

Post Curtis is a Scotty McCreery doppelganger, Richie Law that offered us EXACTLY the same vocals and look of last year’s winner (thank GOD less jesus christ necklace wearing on this kid though), followed by a high voice Devan Jones with a little too fishy a look to make it very far, and then an inappropriately screechy but “great song choosing” Mathenee Trego who ALL get goldened through. I (wait for it) very much disapprove of all those yes’, sorry judges.

Next up is the self-proclaimed “shadowed twin sister” Tealana Hedgespeth who basically begins her audition by complaining she’s nowhere near as great as her counterpart but that she’s gonna try anyway. Slow clap on the self-confidence issue. Sugar, this show needs stories like: “Mom left when I was four” or, “I learned to walk again after my brother drunk drove into me,” not “I’m terrible and my sister is better than me.” The voters need a triumph over adversity story, not a pretty singer who hates herself. What the voters also need is someone who can actually sing. Yeah, she’s terrible: Tyler and Lopez actually joke about asking to sing another song as a threat to one another. It’s hilarious and the only thing bitchier is this article haha: she’s terrible and finally we hear an appropriate and deserved no.

Hippie chick takes the stage as I roll my eyes at her poor little vegetarian in the meat business story, though I do appreciate her new sounding voice. Not something we’ve heard much of to date, Haley Smith may be in desperate need of a makeover but doesn’t need singing lessons in originality in my opinion. I like her rendition of the Chaka Khan classic “Tell Me Something Good“- as did Randy- and she gets the golden nod and I find someone to look out for. A Season 9 throwback to Crystal Bowersox, she has to make sure she doesn’t just replay that vibe but offer her own unique spin as being “different” wasn’t even enough for the very talented B-Sox to take it to the end.

Shelby Twenten – Temporary Home

Cowgirl Alanna Snare then pops on stage and is hilariously edited in between shots of cows mooing to accent her awful notes. The bartender with the voice of a strangled bull is promptly sent off packing as we make way for today’s second and strongly stretched out sob story starring Shelby Tweten. Telling the story we’ve all heard from 90210′s Silver over and over again, Shelby attempts to prove she should be there for “triumphing” over her hugely debilitating battle with bipolar disease. Sweets, if you’re good enough to make it through hours and hours of back story filming and standing in line waiting, then you’re not exactly a 10 for 10 on the diagnosis scale.

Now, the ONLY reason that I roll the eyes at this is not because this isn’t a serious thing to battle but because if you ever say the words: “American Idol is the only thing keeping me on my meds and keeping me alive,” you are in effect telling judges and the audience: “Vote for me or I’ll give up on life.” She sings beautifully thank god, but what happens when she misses a note or someone’s better down the line? Her disease gets brought up and she threatens to go off the pills? Too much girl. Also, she claims: “Everyone told her she couldn’t do it”… really? EVERYone you know told you: a gorgeous, skinny, blond with an amazing voice that you’d never pass the audition? She’s laying it on waaaaaay too thick, way too early IMO.

Jairon Jackson- let’s pretend that’s a name- is next and he brings up a pretty good rendition of an original song that loses a lot of credibility once he hits his shaky high notes but J-Lo is too much of a sucker for a 19-year old who apparently has experienced the highs and lows of Romeo and Juliet-esque love…. maybe she’s looking for a younger boyfriend than the current 24-yr old dancer? He’s never going to make it and shatters a light out of excitement as he runs out of the building in what I’m gonna call an ominous demonstration of things to come.

Angie Zeiderman – Blue Bayou

The Lady Gaga (you wish) wannabe follows, and she’s just awful. Angie Zeiderman shows that a funky dress does not a little monster make as she butchers some random, decades old slutty song. The only thing interesting about this performance is the BOOM her knees make when she goes down on the stage, and then… they give her a second chance and she’s of course still NOT good but they (are you F-ING kidding me) change their mind and let her through. I’m honestly starting to hate all three of them at this point and think that the Aspen talent must be AWFUL for them to be letting these sad sacks through. Ugh.

Magic Cyclops

They decide to end the show with Magic Cyclops and Idol Season 11 hits a low point for me. Watching this 50-something year old have a mental breakdown on camera, I honestly start to worry that the way things are going, Randy is gonna say: “You know what, he’s different for sure” and they’re gonna pass him through like the rest of the chaff from Colorado. Thankfully, his refusal to give his age is a disqualifier and the cray is sent home and we end our day in Aspen on the low note they’ve been playing the entire day. Oh, and confetti shoots out of his ass: just awful.

Last night’s episode was Idol at its worst: scary performers and barely passable singers getting the go-ahead without a valid reason whatsoever. I’m not sure if they’ve already picked their top 20 from the earlier auditions and just want to fill the rest of the stage with crap to make sure their chosen ones have no real competition? Cause that I could actually understand. Oh well, we have a week to recover from this disastrous display and hopefully I’ll feel up to giving them another chance come next Tuesday: I know I’ll watch, I just don’t know if I’ll actually give them a real chance though ha. What did you think??

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