5 Men We Wish Were Homos and 5 You Can Have Back

Being a minority has it’s ups and downs. The uniqueness one feels and the attention it brings can definitely be a positive. By definition of minority though, there are less of you to go around. It leads one to wish that they could bolster their ranks, so that they would have more people to connect with (or in our case, sleep with!). Every gay man, woman, and trans on the planet has thought about some straight person that they wish were on our team. Here’s presenting 5 of our top male choices. And as a bonus, 5 we wish we could send back to you breeders.

george-clooney

George Clooney

Woof, daddy! Not only is he gorgeous, charming, and in some pretty good movies, Clooney announcing he’s gay would open so many doors for other gay performers. He’s one of the only A-list actors that could come out of the closet and it wouldn’t have too much of an affect on his career. Hollywood hasn’t really tested the waters of having a gay actor star in a big budget production. And Ian McKellen & Alan Cumming in X2 doesn’t count, cause that was an ensemble cast.

Probability he actually is: 66%

Clooney has not been immune to the gay rumours in the tabloids. He’s not married, nor has any children. The closest he came was a pot-bellied pig. Also, a boy can dream can’t he?

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Stephen Harper / Barack Obama

That’s right, both of these leaders of the free world have their own handsome qualities, and who doesn’t think power is sexy! Chalk this one up along with Clooney, the changes that either of these men would bring to the gay community is unprecedented. Both are officially against gay marriage, but Obama is for gay adoption, civil unions, and for repealing the “Don’t ask Don’t tell” stance in the American military. Harper reopened the same-sex marriage vote back in 2006, but after a 175-123 vote to keep it legal he vowed that the issue was now closed.

Probability they actually are: Harper -1%, Obama 2%.

There’s pretty much no chance the current Prime Minister wears sequins on the weekends. And there’s no way in HELL any self respecting gay man would sport that haircut. As for Obama: we all experiment in college right? Well, maybe not. I doubt he would answer “Yes we can!” if propositioned for an all-male orgy. Plus, he and Michelle are so cute together.

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Chris Evans

I’m unable to figure out how to spell the drooling sigh that comes out of my mouth when thinking about this Sandwich, so I’ll just say, yum! Mr. Evans doesn’t appear to be on our team, but he gets full points for having a gay brother (who recently has appeared on Fox’s Sci-Fi drama Fringe, a personal favourite). Scott Evans is beautiful in his own right, packing on a few more pounds and sporting a, what appears to be genetic, adorable face. You’d know Chris as the Human Torch in the Fantastic Four movies (flame on indeed!), and he was also in Cellular and Sunshine. Chris is cast in the upcoming movie adaptation of the Scott Pilgrim comic books which is hopefully going to be released this year.

Probability they actually are: 25%.

Even though it runs in the family, I have a hard time believing that someone this gorgeous could keep his queer-ness a secret.

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James Franco

This one took a while for me to warm up to. James played the Green Goblin’s son in the Spiderman movies, which I didn’t care for. Recently though, he’s starred across Seth Rogen in Pineapple Express, and had a performance, that in a less eventful year would’ve been oscar worthy, as Sean Penn’s love interest in the Harvey Milk biopic, Milk. This latter role is what really made me take notice. I could drown in this man’s smile. sigh. Oh, but wait! Mr. Franco is not just all looks. James is taking grad courses at NYU & Columbia, and is currently writing a book. Looks, brains, and talent. A+ Mr. Franco.

Probability they actually are: 55%

Hey, he was in Milk right? And he had to make out with Sean Penn! Let’s just say I wasn’t able to stand up in the movie theater during those scenes.

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Alexander Skarsgård

This sweet piece of Swedish meat deserves a lot more attention from Hollywood. He’s had a recurring role as the vampire sheriff Eric in True Blood, and he had a prominent role in the phenomenal HBO mini-series Generation Kill (written and produced by The Wire’s David Simon). According to imdb.com, Skarsgård was voted sexiest man in Sweden 5 times. Those Swedes know something we all should.

Side note: Apparently on the Generation Kill audio commentary is a conversation between Alex and another actor that gives evidence to his, shall we say, limvatten. Boy be packin’!

Probability they actually are: 10%

Alexs gets 10% due to the popular statistic that 1 in 10 people are supposed to be gay. My radar isn’t going off for this one, unfortunately. But I have been wrong before.

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And 5 You Can Have Back

Not everyone needs to be a gay role model. Some people’s sexuality isn’t their entire being, but when someone does a disservice to the homosexual stereotype, we must call them out on it. Here’s our top 5 people where we wish it was just a phase.

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Ted Haggard / Larry Craig

Mr. Minister, and Senator Wide Stance. Ted Haggard was a evangelical preacher before he had to step down due to soliciting a male prostitute and doing Meth! Sweet Jesus! When Ted wants to party, he parties hard! Larry Craig is a former Republican senator from Idaho. In June 2007 he was arrested for homosexual lewd conduct in a Minneapolis Airport mens bathroom. He tried playing footsie under the doors of the stall with an undercover cop!! He originally plead guilty and announced he would resign as senator, but later took back his guilty plea, and continued to serve on the senate until the end of 2008! Both have been caught engaging in homosexual practices, yet continue to lobby against us, and condemn our unholy souls to hell. I just love/loathe the fact that the bedrooms of the gay population’s premier enemies are just as deviant as ours are, yet somehow it’s us who are the sick ones. Can you even buy a dildo with a cross at the other end? Maybe Linda Blair has a line of products.

Barf Meter

Let’s tally it up. Gross old men, check. Heavy drug use, check. Probable STD from soliciting prostitutes, check. Stay away boys, these two are MINE! I mean, what’s more romantic then getting it on in a shady motel, or airport bathroom? Too bad both have gone back to only women *cough*bullshit*cough*.

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Rosie O’Donnell

Oh Rosie, I really want to like you, I really do. You’ve done some great stuff over the years including your gay & family friendly cruises, and I’m guessing millions of dollars raised for various charities, but you always remind me of the old phrase: “Opinions are like assholes. Everyone’s got one, and they usually stink.” Miss Thing just can’t keep her mouth shut. I’m no gun nut and was actually on her side, but the way she handled Tom Selleck and the NRA debate back on her daytime talk show was very unprofessional. And her stint on The View didn’t last too long now did it. First rule of entertainment Rosie, know your audience.

Barf Meter

I know she’s not a gay man, but if we were to ever get together, I’m pretty sure I’d have to be the bottom.

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Andy Dick

Self proclaimed Tri-sexual (“He’ll try anything”), Mr. Dick is our North American Amy Winehouse. What a fucking train wreck. I actually liked him when he was on News Radio, but I can’t think of anything he’s been in since that I’ve enjoyed. From being forcibly taken off the Jimmy Kimmel show after touching Ivanka Trump, to allegedly getting Phil Hartman’s wife back on coke, and rounding it all up with numerous embarrassing events around L.A. night clubs. Seeing as he’s only bi, he makes the rest of us only look half bad, right?

Barf Meter

Despite being named Dick there’s nothing appealing about this guy. I’d rather do Winehouse.

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Clay Aiken

American Idol’s worst kept secret (other than Paula’s sobriety). Was anyone surprised when the first place loser of season 2 “came out” in the September 2008 issue of People? There’s something icky about someone so adamantly denying his sexuality in the press, only to jump onto the cover of People when he finally grows a pair and owns up to it. This pasty lounge act needs to go back to the cesspool that spawned him. Thank you lowest common denominator America for bringing this shameful gay into the spotlight.

Barf Meter

He wasn’t much to look at before he got famous, but Sweet Mary what the heck happened to him after. Obvious veneers, and probable other enhancements (and I use that term sarcastically). Clay, call up Aerosmith for a duet, cause Dude looks like a lady.

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Jay Manuel & J. Alexander

I’ll admit, I do enjoy America’s Next Top Model. The two Jays have brought me hours upon hours of entertainment. Jay has been directing the photo shoots for ANTM since the beginning, and does a pretty good job. And Miss J., runway coach extraordinaire! [sic]. I didn’t even know there was such thing as a runway coach. Why didn’t my guidance counselor tell me about that! Now, I’m no fashion expert, but I thought colours were supposed to go in and out every season. Apparently orange and silver are always fashionable. Jay Manuel’s primped and proper look hasn’t changed in the 12 cycles of the show. Can you even get plastic surgery on your hair? It sure looks plastic. As for Miss J, he has the type of personality that I imagine rural America figures how all gays act. That’s not good. We have so little gay celebrities in the public eye. I guess this is why I’m so often told by straight people “I never would’ve known you were gay, you sure don’t act gay.” And therein lies the problem. Guys like these are perpetuating the notion that being gay is in a person’s mannerisms, and not in their sexuality.

Barf Meter

In season 1 of ANTM Jay Manuel may have peaked my interest. Nice body, and looks like he takes care of himself. But then in the second season he looked the exact same… and the third… and the fourth… ad naseum. Did Madame Tassaud misplace one of her statues? And Miss J. I’m sure somewhere out there is someone for you. Someone to laugh at all your cliche quips, and tell you that yes, that wig is pretty, but it ain’t going to be me.

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  • Kevin

    Topher, this post is totally brilliant. Bravo!

  • omg thanks for changing the george clooney picture. it was the only thing wrong about this site.

  • Brandon

    I actually like Rosie O’Donnell. I think we need more militant lesbians out in the media, stirring shit up. The rest of em I could care less about though. And WTF – Stephen Harper? Umm…I think I threw up in my mouth a little when I read that one.

  • Kyle

    Uhm Stephen Harper..no..i just dont think so aha.Hes slightly attractive but hes a douchebag prime minister thats for sure.I agree 100% on Chris Evans..he is…he is just amazing:).Oh and can we trade Perez Hilton..i mean reallyy aha.

  • Justin

    You forgot to mention Perez Hilton.

  • you forgot to trade Perez Hilton ……….. he takes my Barf o Meter of the charts!!!!!!

  • Eunomiac

    Oh-Em-Gee, I’m signing the “dump Perez Hilton” petition. (In fact, with the last four comments spanning almost a full year calling for his doucheness to be drawn and quartered [I read between the lines], you should consider posting an addendum to this article where you admit being a mite too aggressive in purging that skid mark from your memory.)

    Also, I called sandwich on Chris Evans & James Franco first. (Because you can’t have a sandwich without two pieces of bread. [You can have Harper and Obama.])

    Finally, I consider your failure to mention Jared Leto to be an affront to your credibility. (He’s the sexiest man to wear eyeliner since Johnny Depp.)

    {I LIKE parentheses, okay?}

  • Joe Schmoe

    George Clooney is hot. So is Matthew McConaughey, even though he doesn’t wear deodorant. I can’t say Rick Martin anymore, ’cause he’s now officially gay!

  • tim

    so sad that clay aiken and miss j are above larry craig… him and haggard should share the top spot.

    although at least haggard put out that article about his life now… i guess? haha

  • bernard

    Perez

  • just saying

    alexander skarsgard is gay(bi)
    you guys dont have to wish.
    his relationship with kate boswort totally fake i think hes a hottie but i guess if the truth came out he would be the next leading man in hollywood. The ladies from true blood would have their bubbles busrt if they knew he was on the other side. love him as eric on tru blood though

  • just saying

    ok i meant to say he wouldnt be the next leading man.

  • Will

    dude, your kind of a dick. Your essentially saying “We should have more gays in the spotlight (just make sure to hide the feminine ones)”. Personally I have never cared for J. Alexander, but your reasoning is pathetic. And i really don’t see how rosey is a bad gay because she didn’t change her personality to suit the views audience, the view hired her and they should’ve known she wasn’t going to just hide all of her views and not speak out like the outspoken lesbian she is, i love that about her.

  • True Blood fan

    @ Just saying

    Do you have ANY proof about what you’re claiming or are you just one jealous fan or maybe a publicist of some other male actor of True Blood again? It would be so convinient for them if it is true or even if there is the slighest doubt knowing how homophobic most Americans are. I thought True Blood audience would be more openminded but unfortunately I was wrong. They’re always whining “too much gay characters” “too much gay scenes” “too gay” etc.

  • Anonymous

    Stephen Harper? LOL You’ve got to be yanking my wang! The man looks like a perverse kiddie fiddler. As a straight woman, I’m left shaking my head as to how in the hell he made this list…..yuck, just YUCK…..