1 Girl 5 Gays: Why Do We, As Gay Men, Feel We Are So Ready To Attack Each Other?

In the most recent episode of MTV Canada’s 1 Girl 5 Gays, Aliya-Jasmine asked her panelist of gay experts: Why do men put women on pedestals before other gay men?

One response from a new panelist was juvenile, immature and managed to reinforce every single gay stereotype there is out there. We, as gay men, do not have to gravitate toward women. Sure, we can relate to women, but we can relate to men more-so. You know, because we are men. With Penises. Not Vaginas.

JP, who, in my opinion, is one of the few intelligent panelists, and often gives a lot of meaningful insight into some of the more serious questions asked, again, proved to do just that. He answered the question, and then posed another one in response: Why do we, as gay men, feel we are so ready to attack each other? … Or, as I’ve interpreted it: Why do we, as gay men, feel the need to be ready to attack each other?

We are always ready to fire back when attacked by another gay male (in order to protect ourselves, to assert social dominance, to defend our reputation in front of our peers). We are members of the same community and endure the same struggles. We are always on the attack because we are always on the defensive, ready to pounce on anyone who manages to poke a hole in our ego or diminish our reputation even the slightest. In the end, we are all catty bitches.

I don’t tolerate ignorance and stupidity. If I do ream someone out, they certainly deserved it. Their lesson learned. I don’t wait for these moments to happen. In fact, I try to stay clear from them. They just aren’t worth my time, involvement or waste of breath. I don’t know if all gay men suffer from various insecurity issues that make us so ready to attack each other, but it could be a reason for being so defensive. And half the time we don’t even know what we’re so insecure about. It’s just a defense mechanism, fight-or-flight.

Being gay in Toronto is a popularity contest. Despite how big of a city Toronto is, everyone (apparently) knows everyone in the gay community. Everyone needs to know what is being said about them, who said it, why they said it, whether or not it’s true or a lie, and, ultimately, how they will strategize their defense if need be. It’s a shame that this is the case, but it all about the ego. It’s about those people you know who can protect that ego, and, “God-forbid”, one of these people turn on you. You’re ruined. You might as well pack it in. Game over.

So, does this mean I’m no longer part of the “cool kids” because I called everybody out? (I was never part of the cool kids, trust me).

  • G

    The difference between you and JP is evident in the way you asked the same question. While he provided a means as to why the gay community is so destructive, and allowed for discussion, you made a generalizing statement, then went on to reinforce the stereotype that you’re trying to seperate yourself from by attacking them.

    You then point out that we have to relate more to men because we all have a penis rather than a vagina? That is such bull. Relate to whoever the hell you feel like relating to, why should you judge them on that. More importantly why the hell do you care? You’re basically saying that because of biological factors that we cannot control, we cannot relate to people that do not fit into our same category as well as people that do fit into our same category?

    If I relate to a black person, you’re saying I should relate more to a white person because we have the same color of skin?

    Say what you want about this post, and tell me I’m no better than the people you’re trying to call out. Just know that I’m calling you out on your limiting views which has NOTHING to do with you being gay.

  • musketeer

    G: While I think you have certain valid points, I think you are misunderstanding his point of view.

    First and foremost, I think that Christiaan was using the term “relate” in its strictest sense. In that frame, no, you cannot relate with a black person – or a woman – or a person raised with wildly different mores and customs. RELATING implies that you understand emphatically what they feel, and can put yourself in the same situation.

    Therefore, we cannot technically relate to women. We can, however, more comfortably associate with women; empathize with them; communicate with them.

    But I get the feeling from the article that he was speaking about the fact that as men, regardless of our experiences, we share an understanding of our own gender over one that we cannot fully experience. And as gay men that shared experience – while wildly diverse – has common factors that non-gays, regardless of their gender, cannot … well, RELATE to.

    Do you feel comfortable when straight people insist on telling you how to live your life? They do so because they believe that your sexuality doesn’t keep them from knowing what your life is like; that all the same rules apply.

    They don’t.

    And while I have many wonderful women in my life who are there for me and care about me, at the end of the day they don’t completely understand me because while they may stand beside me and empathize they cannot fully know what it is to face the challenges of gay life simply by observing it. We parallel our struggles, but they are not actually the same.

    And I think that’s what he means.

  • bigleg

    saying there is more unity between two people because of societal constructs and sexuality whatever i understand but saying two people have common ground because of their genitalia is bullshit.