Gay Men Who Out Other Gay Men Are … Neither Right Nor Wrong.

Queen Latifah, once again, is the centre of speculation regarding her sexuality. Rumours are afloat (and the keyword here is rumours). Did the twittersphere jump the gun on her coming out announcement?

In Episode 26, Season 3 of MTV Canada’s 1 Girl 5 Gays Aliya-Jasmine posed the question: “Gay men who out other gay men are [BLANK]”.

The issue of outing another gay man is an interesting topic because, like most issues, there are two sides to it. One issue, as Jake mentioned, is that it is understandable for people to be “out” in the LGBT community because it signifies or represents the individual’s comfort and “proudness” of who they are. Why would you want to hide your true self, especially when there is increasing support for LGBT members in mainstream culture these days? The other issue is that it is the person’s decision himself or herself. When this person is ready to say, “I’m gay”, then this person is ready to become an open and well-received member to the LGBT community. Until then, even if we personally know, we must respect his or her decision to remain “closeted” so-to-speak. I’m taking both sides because I’ve personally experienced such a situation.

I remember one specific incident in my fourth year of university where I “outed” someone I knew and shit hit the fan. He was a little bitch about it and I did apologize to him (through a Facebook message). Why I didn’t have that much sympathy for him was because when I started dating my first boyfriend in my second year of university, he was the one who told me that this specific person was gay. I had always suspected he was, but it was now semi-“confirmed”. My boyfriend even told me whom he was dating, and I knew this person (my friend’s boyfriend) was gay. They were linked together many times so light bulbs went off in my head more than plenty. However, the problem with that is (and I now understand), it was confirmed by a third party (my boyfriend at the time), not first hand.

What I got out of the situation: It isn’t my place (or yours) to out someone, regardless if a great majority people already know or suspect. Let that person out them selves when they are ready to. As Philip stated, “Gay men who out other gay men are shit disturbers”. I am totally a shit disturber, but over the years I have learned when and where it is “appropriate” to shit disturb. Lesson learned.

Have you every outed someone? Have you been the person outed? Do you think because “gay” is an extremely important popular culture and political concept today that it is important for everyone to be “out and proud”? Is showing support for the LGBT community grounds to speculate about someone’s sexuality?

  • Jay

    I was “outed” when I was 17. It is the worst thing you can do to anyone. What made it worse is that it was another gay man. He showed a complete disrespect for me as a gay teenager who was still trying to understand who he was.

    Accepting your sexuality and being comfortable with sharing it is a process that is different for each individual and has its own time span for each individual. A gay man who outs another gay man shows the worst characteristics of the LGBT community.

    You called him a little bitch for the way he reacted, and you apologized over Facebook? Youre disgraceful. Do you not realize that you have taken away something priceless; you took away his freedom to choose. You changed his life before he was ready, and you act like its ok because you apologized over Facebook.

    How many times must we read about high school and university students being outed and then committing suicide. Some people just aren’t ready.

  • Josh

    Sine you think “he was a little bitch about it” obviously you didn’t learn anything from the situation. You’re an asshole, plain and simple. You think it’s ok because you apologized via Facebook? If this guy still gives you the time of day he’s a better person than me.

    Outing people destroys lives. My family still doesn’t know and if anyone told them on my behalf I would never forgive that person. It’s not your place to be outing people and frankly it shouldn’t matter to you. How does it affect you if someone is openly gay or not?

  • J0S3

    I really hope you read this comment…
    What you did, outing this guy, is the worst thing you could ever do to any gay person. It is not your place and they should come out when they have gotten the courage to come out.
    My father left the house when I came out and my family almost fell apart, it took a lot for me to grab the courage to do what I did. Now imagine if someone else took that upon themselves because they bought it was their business to meddle with my coming it, it would have been a lot worse.
    I don’t care how open minded people are now a days, not every person accepts it when it comes to someone they know.
    My mother had always supported gays but when I came out it hit her hard because she never expected her only son to be gay.
    DON’T MEDDLE WITH SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE, PERIOD.

  • Clayton

    I still hold to “outing is brutal and should be reserved for brutes.” In the vast majority of instances (including the one in this post) it is not right. The only time it’s even conceivably alright is when the person to be outed is actively harming people to cover for him-or-herself, especially if they are in a position of power.

    Also, Christiaaaaaaaaan, you’re a total douche-nozzle. If you can call whatever you’re doing “shit-disturbing” you probably shouldn’t be doing it. And he “was a little bitch about it”? Really? You robbed him of the chance to tell people who he is when he was ready. That you can still call him a “little bitch” shows that you haven’t grown as much as you like to pretend you have.

    Aside from the exceptions I mentioned there’s really only one side to this: it’s wrong to rob someone of the right to chose when and how they’re going to reveal that they’re LGBT. All this bullshit about doing it for “the good of the community” or whatever is just a justification for your desire to, ahem, “shit disturb.” You belong next to Perez Hilton in the gays who need to find Jesus and pussy and go back in the fucking closet. That might actually do some good for the community.

  • DouggSeven

    You had no right to out this person and you should feel a deep shame forever. You also have a lot of nerve saying ‘little bitch about it’. It’s their life…NOT YOURS. I realize the community needs more faces and examples, but there is still many factors that can be affected by coming out (socially, professionally, etc) that is not your place or buisness to stir up for someone. By admitting yourself to be a ‘shit disturber’ means you admit to being an asshole and you feel little remorse for what you did. I’ll give you a clue since I doubt you learned anything from this. There is NEVER an ‘appropriate time and place’ to out someone.

    To the powers-that-be that proofread your authors submissions, please take extra special care in reviewing this person’s work in the future. I am 100% disgusted by this individual and he seems to be a harmful person…by his own admission. And if he laughs or chuckles at any of our comments, fire him immediately.

  • Christiaan

    Hi guys,

    I appreciate all of your comments and your interest in Homorazzi.com and 1 Girl 5 Gays.

    You all raise valid points and there wouldn’t have been any had I not taken the stance I had 😉 After all, the goal is to generate buzz and traffic, right?

    Anyways, getting to the point. Yes, he was “a little bitch” about the situation. After I had outed him I tried several times to confront him face-to-face. He put his nose up and walked away. So after several attempts, yes, I resorted to Facebook to apologize. At the time I was 20 and had such a wonderful experience becoming comfortable in my own gay skin I didn’t understand why people wouldn’t want to be comfortable in theirs. I was 20. Now that I am older and have matured, I realize it wasn’t my place to out him, regardless if everyone else already knew. And I feel no shame and never will. This is why I wrote the piece. I now understand that it isn’t wasn’t my obligation to out him. I may have felt a certain “duty” to out him because who doesn’t want to feel proud and let others know how proud they are? I think this is why this issue is so polar. Some people, like Perez Hilton (not endorsing him), feel like it is their duty to out people because they feel that there is no reason to be closeted, especially today when homosexuality has gained so much ground and continues to gain ground.

    So, take what you want out of this article and out of my response, but I still stand by saying gay men who out other gay men are neither right nor wrong.

    C.

  • DouggSeven

    So you pretty much repeat everything you initially said and used a known bully as defense? Is this another example of your ‘shit disturbing’ we read about? And 20 is an adult age, you should have known better. But look who I’m talking to – someone who didn’t learn a thing or still understand that outting someone is wrong.

    Go away with your pathetic response and shitty self.

  • Josh

    This entire website looks like shit because of this article and this piece of shit columnist. If the people in charge are endorsing this message, I won’t be visiting Homorazzi again.

  • Clayton

    Well, @Christiaan, aren’t we proud of ourselves? “You all raise valid points and there wouldn’t have been any had I not taken the stance I had ;)” Really? Well fuck you Christiaan. That’s really all I can say. When you’re only point is “wow, I’m awesome huh!?” it’s hard to argue against you.

    I really don’t care that you made your apology through Facebook if that’s the only way you could do it. I care that you’re still calling him a “little bitch”. Not “I robbed him of his right to self determination and he was angry and hurt and refused to talk to me”, no, he’s “a little bitch.” Yeah, it’s all his fucking fault isn’t it? It’s not that you’re a bully, it’s that he didn’t take it like a man.

    You can say that you’ve matured all you want but if you still feel no shame and, I assume based on the way you treat this issue, regret or remorse over your actions I just can’t believe that that’s the case.

  • Clayton

    I am a fairly faithful Homorazzi visitor. I waste a lot of time on this site. I can’t tell the writers to do anything but I just ask as a loyal reader that they not accept articles like this any longer and that someone publish either a direct response to this piece or a post on the general issue of outing.

  • Freev

    I agree with Clayton and the others. This article does not provoke a discussion, simply because everyone (but the author) realizes it is wrong to first out someone and then refer to the person as “little bitch” (in a sad attempt to make a villain out of the victim). The so called “mature” writer is simply unable to realize his point is rubbish.

    As another regular visitor of this page, I do think as well that articles should be better edited and screened prior to posting. I cannot tell anyone to do anything either, but I think it’d be a nice gesture for another writer (who is actually mature in thought to address this issue and article, hopefully providing some food for thought instead of bratty blather).

  • Christiaan

    Hi guys,

    I’ve written a response article regarding the above article: http://www.homorazzi.com/article/gay-men-who-out-other-gay-men-1-girl-5-gays-discussion-feedback-backlash-opinions/.

    Comments and feedback are always encouraged.

    Christiaan